Let me put this disclaimer up first. I love my mom. Very much. She is smart, beautiful, caring, an amazing nurse, and one of the most self sacrificing people I have ever met. I may be a little broken inside (some due to nurture, some due to nature), but she did an outstanding job in my opinion. My dad died when I was 14, and even before that she was doing the job of parenting mostly solo so kudos, congrats, all the awards and accolades to my magnificent mother!
...ok is she gone? Alright THAT BITCH IS CRAZY! Jesus Christ and all the saints somebody help me! This woman has walked into a high school dance and threatened all the boys not to dance with me, she has stalked me in the woods at 2 am on a Girls Scout sleepover concerned about molestation and hypothermia, she has been buying baby clothes and toys for her unborn grandchildren for almost SEVEN YEARS NOW ( a lot of that time I was on birth control or single) and I won't even go into the levels of Dante's inferno she puts me through with silent treatments, passive aggression, and guilt trips. I think the main problem with me and my mom is...well it's 2 headed.
1.) We are both strong independent women with a lot of pride who take shit from NO ONE!
2.) The bitch is just batshit crazy.
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus my mom is orbiting Pluto on a comet with Tom Cruise, Gary Busey, and Phil Spector.
She is smart. Too smart. Like her favorite show is Fraiser smart and she reads medical journals for fun smart. When you build up that much intelligence sometimes your social skills and common sense suffer. So she has no idea how to communicate with people in a normal way. It's just constant assumptions that everyone is talking down to her and her retaliation with abusive and derogatory language, that leaves a road littered with the bodies of hapless store clerks and telemarketers who are only doing their job but get to suffer through a diatribe on how hard it is to be an overweight African American single parent who had to be asked "cash or credit" like she doesn't have credit because she's black! I mean it's tiring, but it's nice to know that only some of her insane brain games are directed solely at me. Mostly everyone gets a turn on the ride. And what's the worst part about a crazy person? When they not only have no idea they are crazy but refuse to acknowledge it when you point it out. So that is my mom in a "nut" shell.
Now read on to find out how to deal with your special brand of insufferable maternal figure.
How to deal with your crazy mom Survival Guide