My best drinking days are behind me. I am 32 years old, and I can’t believe I am saying that. When I drink now I make sure I eat well, drink plenty of water, keep reminding myself not to spend too much money or do anything crazy. I can’t even remember the last time I threw up while driving. Boy, mom sure was right about saving those Target bags for an emergency! They just hold liquid so much better than your average plastic shopping bag. Nowadays I make sure I have a safe ride home. I don’t take random shots or do keg stands. I don’t wake up and wonder “Where the fuck am I?” I don’t even have to grab my phone frantically the next day and search for who gets the standard apologies for inappropriate and embarrassing drunk texts. The only exciting part about drinking now is waiting for my friends to drink too much so I can make fun of them, but then I still help them vomit and pass out safely on their side. WTF?! Where is the sharpie pen penis portrait on the face? Where are my nights of crashing random high school reunions and convincing everyone I graduated with them amazingly well until some stuck up bitch points out that there were no black kids in their class. “Well that’s racist and I shall take my leave now...as soon as I get a selfie with your mascot!” Where is the pizza stolen from a stranger in the street and devoured on the curb with no shame as “Hold On” by Wilson Philips or “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix A lot is belted from our drunken, slurring mouths. By the way Sir, you owe us some more booty ballads. You mixed quite far less than what I would call “a lot”. Where are the nights spent sobbing and spooning my toilet convinced I will never drink again, followed by the desperate walk of shame to 7 Eleven for gatorade and ramen. You know the good old days... from last weekend. I guess it’s time to reinvest myself in herbal refreshments. Now I only embarrass myself when I get caught laughing hysterically at Adventure Time while Cinnamon Toast Crunch pours out of my mouth, but you can’t get a DUI or have a shamebang from the safety of your couch.
*Shamebang is similar to a regretafuck. It is a unfortunate and embarrassing person you had intercourse with under severe duress or while inebriated.