Let me put this disclaimer up first. I love my mom. Very much. She is smart, beautiful, caring, an amazing nurse, and one of the most self sacrificing people I have ever met. I may be a little broken inside (some due to nurture, some due to nature), but she did an outstanding job in my opinion. My dad died when I was 14, and even before that she was doing the job of parenting mostly solo so kudos, congrats, all the awards and accolades to my magnificent mother!
...ok is she gone? Alright THAT BITCH IS CRAZY! Jesus Christ and all the saints somebody help me! This woman has walked into a high school dance and threatened all the boys not to dance with me, she has stalked me in the woods at 2 am on a Girls Scout sleepover concerned about molestation and hypothermia, she has been buying baby clothes and toys for her unborn grandchildren for almost SEVEN YEARS NOW ( a lot of that time I was on birth control or single) and I won't even go into the levels of Dante's inferno she puts me through with silent treatments, passive aggression, and guilt trips. I think the main problem with me and my mom is...well it's 2 headed.
1.) We are both strong independent women with a lot of pride who take shit from NO ONE!
2.) The bitch is just batshit crazy.
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus my mom is orbiting Pluto on a comet with Tom Cruise, Gary Busey, and Phil Spector.
She is smart. Too smart. Like her favorite show is Fraiser smart and she reads medical journals for fun smart. When you build up that much intelligence sometimes your social skills and common sense suffer. So she has no idea how to communicate with people in a normal way. It's just constant assumptions that everyone is talking down to her and her retaliation with abusive and derogatory language, that leaves a road littered with the bodies of hapless store clerks and telemarketers who are only doing their job but get to suffer through a diatribe on how hard it is to be an overweight African American single parent who had to be asked "cash or credit" like she doesn't have credit because she's black! I mean it's tiring, but it's nice to know that only some of her insane brain games are directed solely at me. Mostly everyone gets a turn on the ride. And what's the worst part about a crazy person? When they not only have no idea they are crazy but refuse to acknowledge it when you point it out. So that is my mom in a "nut" shell.
Now read on to find out how to deal with your special brand of insufferable maternal figure.
How to deal with your crazy mom Survival Guide
Contrary to popular belief you can still be quite the lothario or bombshell in the dating world even if you are on budget. Try and tell a hipster this and they will fall right out of their thrift store loafers. "But I can't take you out on a date. I'm broke. I'm a starving artist, man. I'm working for my craft not for the man." So then the best you can hope for is some "found art modern bullshit" they made inspired by you and a text invite to "Netflix and Chill." I think that most of us want more, need more, deserve MORE! So even though I haven't had a paycheck that would cover more than the tax and tip on a fancy steak dinner since I left the corporate world to become a touring stand up comic, there are DEFINITELY ways to woo the woman ( or man ) of your dreams and not be forced to sell plasma. What I have done is compile a list of several free and super cheap date ideas for all you who are low on funds but high on hormones. I think it is best to let your potential lover know you are dating on dimes so they don't just think you are cheap. Make it an adventure and they may surprise and come up with some of their own thrifty ideas to spice up the night. Some of these are only available in Charlotte where I live, but will probably have similar offers in any city. Enjoy!
Terrific Taco Tuesday at La Unica in Plaza Midwood
So you have to pay a little extra for cheese or sour cream and such but seriously you can get out of here with 2 or 3 tacos a piece plus all the chips and AMAZING salsa you can eat for under $10 including tip. My favorite is the Salsa Verde which sometimes you have to ask for, but it is still free. If you go early in the day no one will probably want to order booze, which is a wallet drain! Just stop by the ABC store and Harris Teeter on the way home. Mix some limeade and tequila and you'll be saying DIOS MIO! by nightfall.
Aria $5 Bar Bites and a $5 movie plus snacks and after dinner aperitif
This is my favorite restaurant in uptown Charlotte. It's right in the center of all the action and big buildings. It's also across from the epicenter where the Studio Cinema Grill has a $5 groupon for movies before 5pm. I suggest the movie first. Stop in at CVS in the bottom of the Epicenter, pick up 4 pack of Barefoot wine and a couple boxes of candy. Now you're at $6 tops. Use your groupon for a movie. Obviously the scary ones are best so you can hold hands when you get scared. Then Aria has a DELICIOUS menu of select items that are $5 if you sit at the bar to eat. I have had such orgasmic plates like gnocchi with Gorgonzola pear sauce with prosciutto, lamb feta sliders, calamari, and even personal pizzas. I can eat a lot and I usually take a small box home especially since you get bread as well. Again DO NOT DRINK AT THE BAR. Alcohol makes us all a little loose and comfortable. It lowers inhibitions and makes you feel confident and sexy. This is why it is a go to when meeting new people or dating.
I KNOW. I wrote the book. Well the blog. But if you are not still feeling a little buzz from your movie wine then just wait until after dinner and you can make what I like to call a beercino. Fill a Starbucks or similar coffee cup with PBR or your favorite tall boy. You can split one can two ways. Then you can walk around uptown and enjoy the lights while you sip your budget beer. Hopeful this is seen as romantic and cute and not cheap.
Harris Teeter $4.99 Foot long sub + 2 Buck Chuck + Freedom Park = bonerville
Ok so we all know Harris Teeter has those pretty delicious subs at the deli they will make to order. You may even know that on Tuesday you can pick whatever 6 inch you want for the special price of $3.49. BUT did you know on Fridays you get a foot long for only $4.99?! Swing over to Trader Joe's and grab a bottle of 2 Buck Chuck ( $2.99 technically) and you have a perfect picnic for the park. Right now you are only at 8 bucks so feel free to grab some grapes or chips to add to the meal. Don't forget a bottle opener and some cups unless you want to drink from the bottle in a "rustic" manner. You can substitute out Harris Teeter for Publix and get whatever deal they have. It may not be as good but still better than some generic sub shop. You can also ditch Freedom Park and go for the new, gorgeous Romare Beardon park uptown near the Knights Baseball Park. After splitting a bottle of wine you can walk and talk or go straight to "their place" sometimes us starving artists have roomates or parents lurking so go to a nearby garage uptown and you can "park". Yes a grown woman in her 30s just told you to make out in a car after drinking $2 wine and I bet it will be one of the best times of your life.
I will continue to update this list with my finds and YOUR suggestions so stay tuned!
* This is an R rated entry so be forewarned. It was extremely hard to write, but growth and self discovery come with pain. I added a spponful of humor because that's what I do for a living.
I am a feminist, but when I use the term slut here I don’t mean it it a postmodern or reappropriated way. I am not saying I am an empowered woman who is confident in her sexuality. I mean I became ridiculously promiscuous and had many sexual partners. You know...a slut.
This all happened as I can ascertain because of three main reasons. First off, I was ugly. Well I thought I was anyway. I mean every little kid goes through rough patches and awkward phases, but I was truly a scrawny, buck-toothed, knob-kneed, hair never quite right ugly duckling.
Thank God I had swan tendencies. I metamorphosed into the beautiful butterfly you see before you today (too many animal references?). If you weren't aware sometimes little girls who constantly feel less than beautiful discover their vaginas realize they can do something to make them feel desired and sexy. F*ck everyone. And I did.
“He must think I’m pretty, he wants to have sex with me! Guys don’t just stick their d*cks into anything!”
By the time I was actually attractive on my own merit and no longer NEEDED to have a personality or use comic relief to get a guy's attention, it was too late. I was still slutting it up like an uggo. Maybe if I had not grown up in a predominately white environment where boys were scared of approaching an awkward, loud-mouthed black girl it would have turned out differently. Some guy would have tried to finger me behind the bleachers, and I would have acknowledged my power as a woman earlier. "I am desirable!" Maybe I wasn’t so much ugly in retrospect, but just different and therefore scary. Either way the damage was done.
The contributing factor to my slutiness: I was raised Catholic. No, no one molested me. I’m a girl. Duh. Catholics just have a way of making sex so...sexy. Sex became this dark, delicious, forbidden fruit. I wanted it more than anything, but I was also ashamed of that desire. I still feel guilty to this day almost every time I have an orgasm. Jesus does not want sex to be fun. It's just for making babies. Do NOT touch yourself either or you're going to hell. If you think I am exaggerating I will redirect you the sex education workbook I got in junior full of in depth details about the mortal sins. Let’s not even get started on the fact that I wasn’t 100% straight and going to an all-girls school. Yes, every lesbian pillow fight fantasy you have watched in pornos is true. We made out with each other after running through the sprinklers in our matching white bra and panty sets. None of that is true. I just had a couple of awkward sexual interactions with the same sex in high school, but like I said, the guilt and juxtaposed feelings of intense desire to have what I knew I shouldn’t turned me in to a sex obsessed psychopath. Once I arrived at college STILL A VIRGIN, but with no nuns in sight to rap my knuckles with a ruler I was practically throwing my vagina at passersby. Which brings us to the rape and the third and finally reason I became a slut. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it light and funny.
The fact that I was raped is not humorous, and neither is rape in general. Thankfully enough time has passed where I can look at the situation through a lens of forgiveness and analyze some aspects with a satiric squint. Unlike most women I WAS asking for it. Not to be forced to do something against my will, but for sex.
I got trashed at a frat party. I approached the hottest guy there with the confidence and sexual prowess of Madonna in the late 80s, and I informed him he would be f*cking me. Well...he was no dummy. He saw a misguided and tragically broken girl who was beyond the point of sobriety or making rational decisions and jumped on board for this amazing offer! Who wouldn’t? What I did not sign on for was the other guy in the bathroom who started shoving my mouth on his raging erection. Just to clarify: yes, I lost my virginity to rape in a bathroom at a frat house, but I want you the reader to know I am ok. I feel desperate for you to know this affected me for many years after and will always continue to do so, but I AM OK. Ok? OK. Back to the story.
So I pushed away, fought back, all that jazz you see on episodes of Law and Order SVU. I explained I was a virgin and this is not what I had in mind. They explained to me there was no way I was a virgin with the way I propositioned Guy #1, and then there was all that sexy dancing and sapphic activity earlier. Good argument guys. I get it. Next time I will not shake my ass at a party or kiss my girlfriends drunk. That ALWAYS leads to double rape over a toilet. I am so stupid!
Anyway, I took a break from sex for a year after that regrettable evening in the commode. I realized I knew NOTHING about sex or being sexy. I focused on binge drinking, eating disorders, and some school work. You know...like I was a normal college kid. Then I met a sweet guy. I had a “losing my virginity do-over.” It was great...for about 3 months. Then he broke my heart. He was a good guy. It was a normal break up. It just sucked. I had just attained a healthy relationship with sex and POOF! it was gone. After that, I proceeded to f*ck anything that moved for about a decade. I showed them! You break my heart, take sex from me when I don’t give you permission, make me feel ugly, tell me sex is wrong and dirty and bad?! Well F*CK YOU! All of you! Literally.
One day I woke up and said “What am I doing? Who am I doing?” I realized how special sex can be without trying to make it about gender politics or power plays. I realized it was amazing with someone you loved and trusted. I realized I didn’t always have to be drunk to enjoy it. MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH! I realized I was done being a slut. As much as it has made me exponentially less popular with the opposite sex, I have since learned balance and how to let my freak flag fly without recreating a scene from Caligula every night.
So that is the story of how I became a slut. I hope you learned something, and if you see a struggling slut out there give her a hug. Tell her to read this. Remind her not to take her vagina for granted. It’s not pizza. You don’t have to share it with everyone. Eat your own pizza, girl. Your pizza is special! Anyone else hungry for pizza now?
My best drinking days are behind me. I am 32 years old, and I can’t believe I am saying that. When I drink now I make sure I eat well, drink plenty of water, keep reminding myself not to spend too much money or do anything crazy. I can’t even remember the last time I threw up while driving. Boy, mom sure was right about saving those Target bags for an emergency! They just hold liquid so much better than your average plastic shopping bag. Nowadays I make sure I have a safe ride home. I don’t take random shots or do keg stands. I don’t wake up and wonder “Where the fuck am I?” I don’t even have to grab my phone frantically the next day and search for who gets the standard apologies for inappropriate and embarrassing drunk texts. The only exciting part about drinking now is waiting for my friends to drink too much so I can make fun of them, but then I still help them vomit and pass out safely on their side. WTF?! Where is the sharpie pen penis portrait on the face? Where are my nights of crashing random high school reunions and convincing everyone I graduated with them amazingly well until some stuck up bitch points out that there were no black kids in their class. “Well that’s racist and I shall take my leave now...as soon as I get a selfie with your mascot!” Where is the pizza stolen from a stranger in the street and devoured on the curb with no shame as “Hold On” by Wilson Philips or “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix A lot is belted from our drunken, slurring mouths. By the way Sir, you owe us some more booty ballads. You mixed quite far less than what I would call “a lot”. Where are the nights spent sobbing and spooning my toilet convinced I will never drink again, followed by the desperate walk of shame to 7 Eleven for gatorade and ramen. You know the good old days... from last weekend. I guess it’s time to reinvest myself in herbal refreshments. Now I only embarrass myself when I get caught laughing hysterically at Adventure Time while Cinnamon Toast Crunch pours out of my mouth, but you can’t get a DUI or have a shamebang from the safety of your couch.
*Shamebang is similar to a regretafuck. It is a unfortunate and embarrassing person you had intercourse with under severe duress or while inebriated.
It's not inspired by Pharrel's song which has embedded itself in all of our brains like a parasite; I just wanted to make list of things that make me happy or are important to me. This is an experiment in mental health and an attempt to prove to myself the pursuit of happiness is within realistic reach...I just have to remind myself what makes me smile every once in a while.
1.) Eating - I truly enjoy eating something as simple as egg salad or something as fancy as broiled sword fish with sesame drizzle over wilted napa cabbage and bok choy. It's the only guilty pleasure I have that I do not abuse.
2.) Shopping at the Dollar Store - This is the cheapest form of Prozac you can find. You have to be pretty broke to not have fun here. Buy stuff you need, stuff you don't, judge people that do a months worth of grocery shopping here, get a goofy pair of glasses and some bubbles, pick up a last minute birthday card, etc. I like to skip down the aisles, throw things in the cart all willy nilly, and pretend I am wealthy.
3.) Waking up early and feeling great - Sometimes it happens because I exercised, ate healthy, and went to bed early the day before. Sometimes it happens because my anxiety won't let me sleep in, and I am litearly leaping from slumber and launching head first into a massive to do list. For whatever reason I hate sleeping in or being forced to wake up when I am still tired. When I wake up early, well rested, and ready to attack the day I feel like I can literally accomplish anything. That is a feeling not to be taken for granted.
4.) Bacon - No need to explain this item on my list at all. I won't be heavy handed in describing why I love this wonder meat so much and suffice it to say thank you to the fat genius that said "Hey! I bet that pig tastes amazing. Let's cut it open and find out."
5.) Public Libraries - I love books. I am very sad that The Nooks and Kindles have taken over. There is nothing like an old fashioned well used book. I own several (not to brag), but my day is made if I get to spend a couple hours wandering a public library finding new and old favorites. Have you smelled a library book? It hard to describe but I wish Yankee Candle made a scent that captured it. It's a mix of a lazy, rainy day where you are comfortable being alone in your own world and grandma's attic.
6.) Social Media Stalking - Hear me out. Sometimes this is the best way to get to know a person. The pictures they take, who their friends are, the mad ranting on their updates and tweets...people can tell you who they are or SHOW you. Sometimes you learn something new, and sometimes you just feel like a creep digging through their trash and hiding in the bushes outside their house. I'm not proud of my social media addiction, but stalking is harmless fun, and I enjoy the heck out of it.
7.) Pan Pizza - Ok food is going to reappear several times on this list. Get over your judgement now. Pan Pizza crust is like someone fried bread and covered it in carmelized cheese. I would eat it everyday if I could. I despise flat bread pizza, and I laugh in the face of your "Chicago Style." Pan is greasy, crunchy heaven.
8.) Making my mom proud - I wish it happened more often, but I enjoy it and it makes me feel intrinsically happy.
9.) Law and Order SVU marathons - Nobody makes rape and sodomy more entertaining that Elliot and Olivia. I could literally never leave my bed and watch this all day. Seven episodes is my max before I start uncovering repressed memories I may have invented. They only thing that ruins it is when one comes on I have already seen. Then I switch channels for a while and pretend I am not going to watch it anyway. Then I cave and mouth the words along with the actors.
10.) Traveling - I hate driving, fear flying, trains take to long, and buses are gross, but I still love going to new places enough to brave all forms of transportation in spite of my loathing. If I really freak out in the terminal I visit my favorite bar, airport or xanax.
I decided my cute and slightly curvy figure was slipping into a catergory of smooshy not sexy. So Monday the diet started. I did great the first two and a half days! Egg whites, salad, grilled cod, absolutley NO SOFT DRINKS (an amazing feat in itself). But this afternoon a dark cloud descended on my colon as I was granted an audience with the "King of Burgers". DAMN YOU WHOPPER WITH CHEESE! Why can't they make delicious, healthy, affordable food available in drive thrus with catchy jingles and mascots? "Have you had your broiled salmon fillet with mango chutney today? Ba da da da daaaa I'm lovin' it!" Tonight I will feast on self loathing and disgust.
Dear Lord, I am turning into my mother. I can't even believe I am about to utter these words, but when did rappers become absolutely unintelligible?! "Ya know what I'm sayin maaaaayne...” No! I have no IDEA what you are saying. I am starting to suspect you don't even know what you are saying through that haze of refer and syrup. It didn't bother me when I couldn't comprehend or decipher your rap lyrics, because let's face it...I'm just not hood, street, gully, or whatever is appropriate to say these days. Also I am not a hypocrite. I know I speak very quickly and mumble/slur depending on how many martinis I've had. Let's not ignore the glaring fact that my vocabulary is chock full of valley girl speak and Blayrisms not widely known by the general public, but HOLY MOLY! I just to listened to Bird Man host a video countdown on Fuse, and I just don't think spokesperson should be a skill he includes on his resume. And like they say, "Like Father, Like Son." Lil Wayne was not much better in an interview I saw a couple weeks ago. I know he's had some seizures, but did they overlook a possible stroke? I'm concerned a hit may be placed on me if I go any further in this critical essay so I will leave it at this. If you sound like you are going for a world record for who can put the most marbles in their mouth at once you should probably not be introducing Katy Perry videos; I don't care how witty and pithy your banter or commentary is. Didn't we learn this lesson long ago when we started letting ex-football players on the verge of dementia analyze games?
First off hold your judgment! "Blayr you don't actually know this man...your marriage to him is a figment of your imagination and possibly suggests your mental health is less than stable..." Blah blah blah! Regardless of the aforementioned items, James and I are not currently on speaking terms because I am disappointed in him. His list of impressive attributes is rapidly shrinking in comparison to his list of What the F#@! were you thinking attributes.
Why James Franco is AMAZING list
The James Dean story...acting rivals Brando and it's when we first fell in love. Emmy, Golden Glode, and a SAG.
Spiderman, Pineapple Express, Freaks and Geeks, Milk - he has range as an actor and can perform amazingly well in blockbuster smash hits whether its Action/Adventure, Comedy, or Drama.
127 Hours - An Oscar nomination is nothing to turn your nose up at!
Even though he dropped out of school to pursue (obviously not a bad idea) acting he returned to get his bachelor's from UCLA, a MFA from Columbia, and Yale for a Phd.
Although I haven't seen it yet I am positive he portrayed Alan Ginsberg amazingly in Howl.
Writes and directs independent films, paints and creates multi-media art, writes poetry...I mean come on. It's just plain sexy the diversity of his talent.
He's just gorgeous...the Josh Hartnett squinty eyes, the Tom Cruise crushing smile...Armani and Gucci don't pick uggos or their Ad campaigns.
Why James Franco might be insane, and needs help list
He has played a stoner or a gay man at least 3 times each with overwhelming conviction.
There is a fine line between squinting and falling asleep.
Why do you make millions of dollars on major films and then do a stint on General Hospital where your character is a troubled artist named 'Franco'? I would love to know who approached who with this proposition.
Umm movies that should never have seen the light of day: Annapolis, The Wicker man, Nights in Rodanthe, Tristan and Isolde, Flyboys, Your Highness (ha ha we get it) & Camille. I would rather get 4 cavities filled without Novocaine than watch any of those again. And a pre-quel to the Wizard of Oz?! Whyyyyyyyy...stop smoking joints and then reading scripts.
Hosted The Oscars high?....That was the ACADEMY AWARDS JAMES! Billy Crystal, Alec Baldwin, Steven Martin, Jon Stewart - it's a freaking honor if they ask you to host! You barely showed up. It was as if you were playing one of your stoner characters! High in a movie - funny, high while driving in Hollywood and hitting someone - illegal but funny, high on national live tv - dumb.
Teaching a class on editing films and using only his films to work on. Yes there was a course at Columbia University entitled Master Class: Editing James Franco…with James Franco. Seriously?
I forgive you, but your brother has been making moves lately and I'm just saying Marilyn Monroe might have had some good ideas about keeping it in the family.
I am in love with this show and thank God for Tevo so I can catch up on missed episodes. My night life aka binge drinking and tv watching has been severely effected by my pesky stand up comedy career. So I miss it once in a while, but when I get to see it again it's like finding a long lost friend on Facebook that got fat and looks REALLY old and now you are better than them because you are happy and thin and young looking without a gaggle of kids following you around sucking out your life force and draining all your monetary gains.
I can't say I have a favorite character on the show, because the writing is so sharp, quick witted, and smart for the entire cast it makes you fall in love with them all. I do admire Tina Fey for poking fun at herself with a character that I am sure is more than loosely based on her real persona. She's also able to do it with an objective critique for herself and of all the egos in the entertainment industry. The feel of the show does have a frenetic rhythm which I imagine is true to the environment of writing for a late night sketch show with that quick of a turnaround. The flashbacks and cut aways are not abused like they are on shows like 'Family Guy'
After watching 'Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee', Jerry Seinfeld's show on Crackle, I saw Alec Baldwin's episode. It renewed my respect for his profound intelligence, acting ability both humorous and dramatic, and impressive humility.
Now a list of some of my favorite quote from Tracy Morgan's character on the show, Tracy Jordan
"I believe vampires are excellent golfers, but no one will ever know."
"I'm doing God's work here in Africa, just yesterday I kicked two naked people out of a garden"
"I love this cornbread so much, I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant."
"What is this, Horseville? Because I’m surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!"
"Why don’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I’ll tell you why: It’s because the Pope owns Long John Silver’s."
"I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror."
Recently I was reminded of why I love the south. I was watching a band in South Carolina and met a young man with a cast on his leg. I, of course like most people do in this situation, asked him how he broke his leg. He began to tell his story. "I was down in southern South Carolina...right next to the Florida"...no that is not a typo, "THE FLORIDA" I laughed to so hard I fell down...on the 'floor'ida. Not only is this geographically incorrect since South Carolina does not border Florida, Georgia does, it is a grammatically impossible. Do proper nouns need definite articles if you are a redneck? My rule of thumb from the excruciating 13 years of private catholic schools with nuns jamming grammar down my throat with a ruler is:
DO NOT use an article with countries, states, or counties, etc except when the country is a collection of states such as "The United States"
Therefore one would say:
"I traveled to Michigan."
"Georgia is lovely this time of year."
"The United States is a country north of Mexico, full of people who have disdain for immigrants who can't speak English, yet they themselves have trouble forming coherent sentences."
Ooops, run on sentence.